Must be beautiful. Must be loved.

lana-loux:

auburnamber:

Aaaaanything you won’t, I’m not easily offended or anything :) xx

it was my friends birthday yesterday so we all went out. and fucking ate. i ate so much, its disgusting.

guess what? i gained two pounds.

so i was so fucking mad this morning when i stepped on the scale & binged like a motherfucking fat ass. so theres two days of fucking fat.

someone legit kill me.

im disgusting.

So I weigh myself this morning & I’m 214, which means I’m 2 pounds lighter than i was yesterday… Which gets me thinking, maybe it could have been more if I didn’t eat a million calories. I know I should be happy but I’m not. Not satisfied. I have work again today. So this sucks. But I’ll try my complete hardest to fast like a motherfucker. No foooood for me.

No sir-eee.

So yes. My mom made me eat the fried fish. I usually like it, but now I’m just disgusted. So that’s like another 28173819374829 calories. Great. And it’s 1:15 am & I feel full. I hate going to bed full. I feel like such a fat pig. I feel like I should run non stop across america to burn the fat I just consumed. I literally feel gross. I know it’s not “normal” to feel guilty for eating but I do. And no it’s not because I feel like I’m not human so I’m not allowed to eat. I just feel as though I should feel guilty for not having any self control or sticking to my word about strict dieting, even if my mom forced me to eat. I wish I knew how to make myself throw up. It never works… But then again, maybe that’s a blessing from God. Because God knows if I knew how to make myself through up, I would do it allllllll the time.

Well, I’m going I bed. Good night. I’ll blog in the morning when I’ll be 2000000 pounds heavier !
Sweet dreams!

here we gooo.

Age: 18

Height: 5’4”

Favorite Diet Food: Salads

Favorite Binge Food: ALL FUCKING TYPES :(

Favorite exercise: Swimming, elliptical, & soccer. 

Does anyone know?: Oh God, no.

What makes you slip up: Being around people who are all eating, when my mom cooks my favorite foods, working with food, & just when i have no self control.

What makes you strong: Thinking about how ugly & fat I look. 

When did it start: I’ve always hated my body. My diets have been going on and off since i was 14 maybe ? This time im sticking to it! 

What do you see when you look in the mirror: the ugly large duckling. 

Is it for attention: Omg no. If anyone ever found out, id probably kill myself. 

Are you the fat or the thin one in your group of friends:  FAT.

Are you depressed: Pretty much. 

Ever cut yourself: Not with a blade. I’ve gotten so angry with myself that i’ve scratched myself pretty bad on my neck & legs. Also i used rubber bands on my wrists.

Ever been to a psychologist: No, i dont need it. I know what im doing. & I know how to handle it.

Lost weight: sometimes. but i always gain it back because im fat.

Gained weight: all the time.

Do you drink: never.

Do you smoke: not cigarettes, but occasionally i smoke hookah.

Do you take drugs: never.

Does your weight affect your mood: All the time

Do you weigh yourself daily: I try not too. 

Have you ever fasted: Yes.

Have you ever skipped a meal: All the time.

Have you ever thrown food up: My gag reflexes suck. I cant make myself throw up.  

This is my third day of the… diet? I just created this tumblr page today so i couldnt log my first two days.. BUT i can tell you that in total of the two days, ive consumed 110 calories all together. 

But for my third day:

Food: A slice of sweet potato pie. (i know i shouldnt have ate it, but its like my favorite pie ever & they had it at work:( but i only ate the actual sweet potato part, not the crust on the bottom or the side) So thats probably about 230 calories. NOT GOOD.

Drink: Half & half (unsweetened iced tea/lemonade) I drank like 3 glasses. Since only half of the drink had sugar (the lemonade part) for all three glasses, thats about 30 calories?

So all together i consumed 260 calories. Holy crap thats horrible.

& thats SO FAR. I came home & seen my mom made fried fish. FRIED. & she’s probably going to MAKE me eat it, like she always does. God. I’ll just lie & say i ate alot at work. hopefully she’ll buy it. 

ahhhh. i have work in like 10 minutes.

i work at this 5 star restaurant as a waitress. worst part is… FREE 5 STAR FOOD.

The thing is, im pretty sure i can control myself & not binge.. GOD WILLING!

but its not normal to not eat there. if you dont eat, theyll be like “whats wrong? are you sick? are you dieting? are you starving yourself?”

my excuse? “im going out to eat when i get out.”

i over used it. but theyll get over it.

anywayyyyyyyy, time to serve some food!

wish me luck!

This is my first post. I’ll introduce myself.

Hi, this is my anonymous tumblr. I dont want to use my real tumblr so people (family/friends) see it. 

So my name here is Tonya. Im 18 years old. Im a fucking mess. 

Im not really pro ana, because anorexia is extremely unhealthy & i wouldnt wish it upon anyone else.

but i deserve it. i honestly do.

I’ll tag my posts “pro-ana” because i want to believe im not the only one going through what im going through. If anyone wants to follow me, please feel free. i will follow you right back.. actually if your pro ana or just ana, ill probably follow you anyway. & if anyone wants or needs to talk, im always here. If you have any questions, ill always answer. 

I hear alot of bullshit about how anorexia or pro ana diets are bad for me, how they cause pain, the feeling of hunger & starvation are not good feelings.

but i have one thing to say. the feeling of being fat has caused me more pain than anorexia EVER WILL. 

nothing works for me. “healthy” diets. exercising. etc. 

I need discipline. So thats what im doing.

I’m keeping a weight log on here to keep track of what im doing & if im losing.

Please dont judge me… im already judged every second in the real world.

Blogging is my escape. My not so private diary. Please try to understand.

Much love, 
Tonya